![]() ![]() And the next time something terrible happens to me, I’ll know to wait until the dust has settled before forcing myself to look in the wreckage for some pithy takeaways. All I can do is apply the lessons of my past and present and hope for the best. And if not, at least I tried.” I can’t predict the future. But now I feel like, “If it works out, great. I initially felt a burden to “get it right” the next time after such a public (and one-sided) breakup. But I need to make space for that possibility in my brain.Īlthough these shifts initially seemed pessimistic, having more realistic expectations around commitment and marriage has let me put less pressure on myself. But there might be a time when my partner no longer wants to do that or when one of us has changed so drastically that our partnership is no longer worth fighting for. And I have to allow for that possibility with any romantic relationship moving forward. I fundamentally believe that the person I fell in love with was not the same person who left me. They can go into a long-term partnership or marriage with the goal of staying together. And, when you agree to a romantic relationship, you are, in effect, signing away (some) control over your life. Why? Because I’ve realized that I can’t control another person. After my broken engagement, however, I no longer think that is a realistic goal. Someone who I can trust will always be in my life, no matter what. For my entire life, I have searched for a partner who will be like family to me. On its surface, this takeaway is depressing and at odds with how I used to think about these things. This brings me to my biggest takeaway of all: when it comes to romantic relationships, you are never truly safe. I agreed to live the life my ex wanted to live-and he still left. I am allowed to want certain things for myself and if they bump up against what my partner wants for himself, then a larger, more difficult conversation needs to happen instead of me just giving in. While I still appreciate my ability to be open to various versions of my life, I no longer feel like I must acquiesce to keep the peace. ![]() Plus, I felt more naturally flexible on these topics than he did, and I viewed my flexibility as a strength. Every time I felt us disagreeing on something major (like where to live and/or kids), I would compromise because it was more important for us to stay together than for me to be stubborn. I prioritized the success of my last relationship over everything else. If we can’t come to a compromise about what type of life we want to have it is okay for the relationship to end. I am allowed to have different desires from my partner. ![]() I think all couples could benefit from couples therapy and if I ever get engaged again, that will be a prerequisite to us getting married.Īnother takeaway is that I don’t always have to make it work. I don’t blame myself for being blindsided by him leaving, but I do take full responsibility for not stepping up in that moment and recognizing what he was trying to tell me (however vague it might have felt at that time). It’s obvious that my ex wasn’t able to express his true feelings to me (until they came pouring out the night he left) and if we had gone to see a therapist he might have felt more comfortable opening up about the extent of his doubt and concerns. Now, I have a much better understanding of the value of couples therapy and can see that it always makes sense to go if one person wants to. He also made the suggestion in the midst of a much larger conversation, and I simply didn’t give it the attention it deserved. So I thought it was more important for him to figure his own stuff out, with my support, then for us to go to a professional to work on the relationship. At the time, I was under the impression that my ex was struggling individually and that the root of his problems wasn’t based in our relationship. And it’s not latching onto my ex’s (one time) suggestion to go to couples therapy. The first of which is that when your partner brings up couples therapy, even just offhandedly, you should listen.ĭespite the dumpster fire that was my broken engagement, I only have one regret when it comes to that entire relationship. And at this point, I have enough distance from the harrowing experience to form some takeaways. At the same time, I think it would be a wasted opportunity for me to not examine what that relationship taught me-necessary or otherwise-because every relationship teaches us something. ![]()
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